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Saturday, March 12, 2005

an imperative entry 

[ I'm currently listening to: Ex-factor by Lauryn Hill ]

You know what scares me at this moment? BEING HAPPY.

Every single person in this universe wants to attain true and everlasting happiness. I’m fully aware of that. True, true. Why opt to be sad or lonely or miserable when you can be walking on sunshine, right?

Sure, I want to be happy, too. I’ve actually been chasing after it for quite some time now and people close to me could attest to that. Surprisingly, however, events suddenly turned. Nowadays, I get frightened when I, all of a sudden, feel ecstatic or when someone brings me delight. I guess I’m apprehensive because I also fear that I’ll lose the feeling immediately. I always think “this is the peak of it. Soon after, I’m going to hit rock bottom again.” Which, true enough, is the usual case as far as I’m concerned.

I guess sometimes when you’re already used to feeling content or sad, whatever the case may be, you begin to cringe at the thought of feeling joyful because you’re scared of what would take place after. Which, more often than not, is the shift from being happy to sad, once again. The transition from sad to happy is, in reality, one of the best feelings ever. Conversely, that from happy to sad has got to be one of the most dreadful ones.

I think anticipation, most of the time, is better than the real thing. I’m actually beginning to think that anticipating happiness is much better than the actual feeling. Weird. I honestly don’t know if you get what I’m trying to convey here.

I know it’s so cynical of me to be thinking this way but seriously, most of my high points are shortly lived and are instantaneously followed by some sort of denouement. Yes, DENOUEMENT. Goodness, my life is such a contemporary plot. I just don’t know what genre it belongs to.

Don’t think I’m complaining though. Nope, am not at all. And I don’t intend to because I’m completely aware of the fact that I should be content with everything I have. Plus, I don’t really want God to take away what I presently have.

I don’t know but happiness just doesn’t seem to find its home in me. Somehow, it always, always manages to slip away.

I absolutely cannot wait for that day when I can already say that I’m genuinely happy. I promised mi amiga, Monica de Mallorca en España, that on that day, I shall send her an SMS containing only the word OVERJOYED (all caps, man). Several years later, still no SMS to send mi amiga. How sad.

Know what though; I don’t want to be just “happy” as it sounds très temporaire. What I truly want is to be blissful. To be floating in glee.
SIGH.

Speaking of happiness.

I saw an old friend of mine recently in person.

He’s only a few years older than I am but I tell you, he looks like he’s 35 years old now. Ironically, it’s not just the new hair style that makes him look older; it’s his whole new outlook in life. Though he and I have been in touch, it still felt strange seeing him again. And I’m still in awe because he has actually become the responsible man I never ever imagined him to be.

Also up until now, I still cannot believe he’s the once crazy-livin-happy-go-lucky guy who’s the first and perhaps the only one, for that matter, to inform me that I’m a sweet person. You know I was really taken aback when he told me that before because I never really thought of myself as “sweet.” With him, I’d just always be my crazy normal self. My, oh my, who would have thought he’d see something “sweet” in me? And to think there were about two people who used to complain about my so-called coldness. Hah.

Anyway.

Seeing him again made me want to tell him a lot of things. Just to have something to say, I actually even entertained the thought of sharing with him what I’ve gone through in the past two years we didn't see much of each other. How pathetic. But you know me. Of course, I opted not to. I just cannot talk about those things anymore. I’ve devoted wasted so much time on that before and I’m just too tired. Talking and even hearing about matters like that could be so darn draining. Topics like that are beyond the scope of my interest by now. There are a lot of things I’ve to worry about at this time. Trust me. I’ve already missed out on a lot of good things because I busied myself too much with the past.

Okay. Back to old friend.

I really felt as if he has matured so much yet in spite of that I’m still this same teenage girl who hasn’t aged at all from the time we met. How sad is that?

Oh yeah. There was another highly noticeable thing about him that day: his blissful aura. Beyond doubt, he was astoundingly beaming. He was looking so jubilant it almost hurt. Hah. Of course, I’m kidding.

Old friend may look a lot older now… but at least he’s happy.
And still remarkably sexy (okay where did that statement come from?)

You know what again? I’m sincerely happy for him. It’s quite surprising as I’m the type of person who’d normally just say “good for you” or “good job, man” to someone who's happy. So something like “I’m proud of you” or “I’m truly happy for you” really comes from the bottom of my heart. No bull.

And in all honesty, it makes me feel good to be happy for him.

I just realized that my happiness doesn’t really have to root from me. I can actually be happy by being happy for another person. Coolness.

Aww, old friend, I seriously don't know what went wrong before.

I feel like I’m talking nineteen to the dozen here.

Alright. It’s a wrap, folks.

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