Saturday, June 24, 2006
Tomorrow, I shall hit the big 2-4.
And to be honest, I am somewhat scared.
I suppose I am rather fearful because this means I only have one more year of unbridled mad exuberance.
Yes, one more year of crazy behavior that could easily be attributed to being young. And innocent. Hah (!)
You see, once you’re in your mid-twenties every bizarre thing you do would be considered an act of childishness already. It’s as if you’re obliged to really be serious and all that jazz because you are deemed old. I know it may sound unjust [to some] but that’s just how society is.
It’s ironic how I’m discussing this distressing trepidation now when I’m just about to state how, in the past year, I’ve started to learn to live in the present. I admit, there are still things – I repeat, “things” (not people) – that I hold onto, like 2000 and 2003 maybe (surprise, surprise! ha ha ha!) but I’m swiftly getting there. At least now, I can state how marvelous it feels to seize each passing moment.
As my good friend Patty would say, “you only live once…” so carpe diem!
Moreover, this past year, I’ve come to understand that people who offer you things from the heart are those who genuinely care for you. I know this has been mentioned over and over but really, they are the only people who will be there for you no matter what.
Hence, love them back.
After all, they may be the only individuals you can bother at 3am when you’re in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire. Hah.
Kidding aside, I strongly believe that it is vital to love and appreciate the people who love you. Especially those who loved you first. Odd as it may sound, some travel halfway across the world in search of this precious four-letter word.
Speaking of realizations.
My dad used to always remind me that “life is short” and it’s a shame how I never really made any sense of it until recently because this enlightenment has, in fact, constructively caused me to become less wary of taking risks. (I mean, how else will you know unless you give it a shot, right?)
Lest you forget: no guts, no glory.
Also, similar to the adage, I’ve discovered that there is absolutely nothing in this planet that does not pass in time. (So to my friends who feel downhearted at the moment - you know who you are - trust me, that feeling will go away sooner than you expect.) For this reason, try to appreciate who and what you presently have because you don’t want that to be taken away from you (and because sulking just lets you miss out on a lot of beautiful things).
Working with children has opened my eyes to the fact that life should always have an element of fun in it because life without fun is just plain existence. It sadly defeats the purpose of actually “living.”
My greatest realization, however, would have to be the unfailing power of prayer. Truly, God listens to all of our prayers 24/7 and answers them in the way that is best for us. I hate to sound boastful but I would have to say I got 99% of what I prayed for. Plus, additional wonders here and there. Thus, never underestimate the generosity of the Lord.
So now, I’m ready to seal my 23rd year with a huge sweet smile. It has been a superb chocolate-coated year topped with sugar icing, caramel syrup and strawberries. I will eternally be grateful to God for having blessed me with such a thriving year. Muchas, muchas gracias. Grazie, also, to my nearest and dearest. Lovelovelove.
De mi corazon,
Friday, October 14, 2005
My first Mac: A 12" Powerbook G4 Superdrive (however you put it). :D
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Since it was Mama Mary’s birthday last September 8th, I decided to dress up in a sweet manner for mass.
Hence, I sported a baby pink winter top and dark blue cords to school that Thursday. Yes. I know, I know. Despite the heat enveloping the whole Loyola hill (we stand on a hill between the earth and sky, remember?), I still went for the whole cashmere “it’s-so-darn-chilly-in-here” look, like I was making everyone believe winter really existed in the Philippines, man. I tell you, I was dressed in that winter ensemble as if people from Katipunan have never heard of the words “heat” and “sweat” ever. But atleast I didn’t appear like I was expecting to walk on snow as I was togged up in my wedge slippers, which, in my honest opinion, aren’t really meant for walking. In point of fact, I had already planned on wearing my dancing stilettos that day just because I felt like sporting them and not for the bootie-shakin reason. Unfortunately, those stilets were nowhere to be found that morning so I just settled for the wedges.
By noon, I was surprised to catch my friend, Roi, in school. I was so excited to see him, I shamelessly jumped in joy. And I should never have as it has caused my downfall. My literal downfall. After leaping in glee, I suddenly tripped and gradually landed on my knees. Boy, I was down on my knees as if I were begging my boyfriend to forgive me.
The thing is, I actually attempted to do a Miriam-Quiambao-quick-yet-poised recovery shortly after the collapse but the wedges just won’t allow me to redeem myself.
Just imagine how Tai Fraiser from the movie Clueless looked when she fell down the stairs while saying hi to Cher at the frat party.
(Tai: “Now, all night long, I'm gonna be known as that girl who fell on her butt.”)
That’s exactly how I felt. How humiliating. I desperately wanted to disappear from the face of the earth at that very moment.
You should have seen me. I looked like a crazy laughing woman wanting to cry so bad.
Then again, there were already a lot of students and drivers who witnessed my unpleasant fall as it took place by the driveway just outside the College Chapel.
Now every time I see students staring at me, I get paranoid and think: “these people absolutely saw.”
Why, oh why did I wear those wedge slippers?
Well, atleast I was dressed nicely that day.
And it has to be said that I tripped and fell in style.
That’s my only consolation.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
It’s so strange how much easier it is for me to write a journal entry when I’m feeling down or sad and the like but almost lost for words when in high spirits. Like, all I can say when I’m walking on sunshine is “I’m happy” period. Conversely when I hit a low point, it’s as if I can type away how I’m feeling without encumbrance.
Sticking to the aforementioned joie de vivre.
I think I’m starting to go back to my old self. The one you used to know from five years ago. Hah. And you thought I was going to introduce a more matured me. Actually, I feel like I’ve gone back in time in the sense that I’m once again the same carefree, gregarious person I used to be.
You know what I’ve noticed during the state preceding the current? I’ve observed that I’ve become a bit worldly and accordingly, found delight in it. Shamefully appalling but true, nonetheless. I really thought there wasn’t any kind of stress that retail therapy couldn’t help relieve. (Hola, te gusta comprar conmigo? Lo siento, Candice, pero no me gusta.)
However, I deem I’m less like that now. As it would be hypocritical of me to state that I’ve completely changed. I’m not too certain on what has enlightened me but I suppose I’ve just realized a lot of things while being away, feeling medially lost. Also, I’ve surprisingly actualized one of the most substantial teachings an Atenean could learn from Philosophy 103, the Philosophy of Religion: that people most likely to survive in this universe are those who are able to say "that's life." Beyond belief, I’ve come to accept that the way things are is truly just the way things are. Ergo, great feeling by virtue of positive reinforcement.
Of course, there’s still that facet of my being that hasn’t been altered. I mean, I cannot deny the fact that I still have minor issues. But I will not be apologetic about them and they must never be taken against me because I tell you, I’d be one boring person without my almost-insignificant issues. Besides, who likes uninterestingly perfect people? I mean if I were in an ideal state of being, there wouldn’t be anyone to send my uber-close friends picture messages of me in two different ensembles containing the note: “Please lemme know which one is more appropriate for tonight, outfit A or B. Thanks.” Plus, there also wouldn’t be anyone to send them 7-10 pages of inconceivable ideas-slash-insights via SMS at 5:30 in the morn. Right, Miam?
Speaking of which. It is almost 5am and as usual, I’m still up and about. People in my household probably think I’ve been drinking Pepsi-X again. The same energy drink that made me ace early morning orals and got me high paper marks but consequently turned me into a zombie by keeping me up for 48 hours each time. My, oh my, I remember the last time I had Pepsi-X, I cleaned and scrubbed my room like a madwoman all night until 9am. That instance, I wasn’t aware of the soda brand because it flippin came in the form of Slurpee and my brother Normann, who bought it, didn’t tell me what cola it was until the day I finally woke up. Slurpee Pepsi-X… ooh how palatable sounding, man.
I didn’t have Pepsi-X today though. Just regular Pepsi.
I suppose soda could also make me type away paltriness without hindrance.
Seriously, I must end this entry before another train of thought builds up inside my head.
Great, great morning my sweets.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Every single person in this universe wants to attain true and everlasting happiness. I’m fully aware of that. True, true. Why opt to be sad or lonely or miserable when you can be walking on sunshine, right?
Sure, I want to be happy, too. I’ve actually been chasing after it for quite some time now and people close to me could attest to that. Surprisingly, however, events suddenly turned. Nowadays, I get frightened when I, all of a sudden, feel ecstatic or when someone brings me delight. I guess I’m apprehensive because I also fear that I’ll lose the feeling immediately. I always think “this is the peak of it. Soon after, I’m going to hit rock bottom again.” Which, true enough, is the usual case as far as I’m concerned.
I guess sometimes when you’re already used to feeling content or sad, whatever the case may be, you begin to cringe at the thought of feeling joyful because you’re scared of what would take place after. Which, more often than not, is the shift from being happy to sad, once again. The transition from sad to happy is, in reality, one of the best feelings ever. Conversely, that from happy to sad has got to be one of the most dreadful ones.
I think anticipation, most of the time, is better than the real thing. I’m actually beginning to think that anticipating happiness is much better than the actual feeling. Weird. I honestly don’t know if you get what I’m trying to convey here.
I know it’s so cynical of me to be thinking this way but seriously, most of my high points are shortly lived and are instantaneously followed by some sort of denouement. Yes, DENOUEMENT. Goodness, my life is such a contemporary plot. I just don’t know what genre it belongs to.
Don’t think I’m complaining though. Nope, am not at all. And I don’t intend to because I’m completely aware of the fact that I should be content with everything I have. Plus, I don’t really want God to take away what I presently have.
I don’t know but happiness just doesn’t seem to find its home in me. Somehow, it always, always manages to slip away.
I absolutely cannot wait for that day when I can already say that I’m genuinely happy. I promised mi amiga, Monica de Mallorca en España, that on that day, I shall send her an SMS containing only the word OVERJOYED (all caps, man). Several years later, still no SMS to send mi amiga. How sad.
Know what though; I don’t want to be just “happy” as it sounds très temporaire. What I truly want is to be blissful. To be floating in glee.
Speaking of happiness.
I saw an old friend of mine recently in person.
He’s only a few years older than I am but I tell you, he looks like he’s 35 years old now. Ironically, it’s not just the new hair style that makes him look older; it’s his whole new outlook in life. Though he and I have been in touch, it still felt strange seeing him again. And I’m still in awe because he has actually become the responsible man I never ever imagined him to be.
Also up until now, I still cannot believe he’s the once crazy-livin-happy-go-lucky guy who’s the first and perhaps the only one, for that matter, to inform me that I’m a sweet person. You know I was really taken aback when he told me that before because I never really thought of myself as “sweet.” With him, I’d just always be my crazy normal self. My, oh my, who would have thought he’d see something “sweet” in me? And to think there were about two people who used to complain about my so-called coldness. Hah.
Seeing him again made me want to tell him a lot of things. Just to have something to say, I actually even entertained the thought of sharing with him what I’ve gone through in the past two years we didn't see much of each other. How pathetic. But you know me. Of course, I opted not to. I just cannot talk about those things anymore. I’ve
Okay. Back to old friend.
I really felt as if he has matured so much yet in spite of that I’m still this same teenage girl who hasn’t aged at all from the time we met. How sad is that?
Oh yeah. There was another highly noticeable thing about him that day: his blissful aura. Beyond doubt, he was astoundingly beaming. He was looking so jubilant it almost hurt. Hah. Of course, I’m kidding.
Old friend may look a lot older now… but at least he’s happy.
And still remarkably sexy (okay where did that statement come from?)
You know what again? I’m sincerely happy for him. It’s quite surprising as I’m the type of person who’d normally just say “good for you” or “good job, man” to someone who's happy. So something like “I’m proud of you” or “I’m truly happy for you” really comes from the bottom of my heart. No bull.
And in all honesty, it makes me feel good to be happy for him.
I just realized that my happiness doesn’t really have to root from me. I can actually be happy by being happy for another person. Coolness.
Aww, old friend, I seriously don't know what went wrong before.
I feel like I’m talking nineteen to the dozen here.
Alright. It’s a wrap, folks.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
to a heart that's been wounded
in a battle that's never seen?
to a mind of confusion,
tell me what does this all mean?
Are You deliverer
of an imprisoned feeling in chains,
can You set my spirit free?
Allow me this question,
could You be Messiah to me,
could You be Messiah to me?
Could You be father
to a soul that's been abandoned
by a world too busy to hear?
to a helpless survivor,
can You take away my fears?
I heard them all sharing
this newfound conviction in them,
are You all that they make You to be?
Now I've been looking for someone like You
and I’m so tired.
and I’ve sang every song.
but my heart feels so wrong.
which way do the roads lead,
where do I belong?
Are You forgiver
of my most unknown secrets,
provider of all that I need?
the one who knows better
would You now stand in the lead?
all the thunder and lightning,
in the daylight just what will I see?
to all of my questions.
Please be Messiah to me.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I’m weird, I know.
Even my mom thinks so.
Especially since she found out I put “married” as my status on friendster –- which I hardly check, by the way. It’s a bit strange how a lot of people forced me to change that [status] as it is somewhat “scandalous.” I can’t believe it actually shocked and intrigued quite a number of people. Including Mika. Hehe.
So to put a screeching halt to all the questions, I’m now changing my status to SINGLE. I guess that wouldn’t attract unwarranted gossip anymore. Yeah beby, I’m single, single ready to mingle. NOT.
Anyhow, I’m lovin this whole Sun Cellular 24/7 gimmick. Sometimes I spend 3 hours on the cellphone just talking to a friend. 3 whole hours of total blah, absolute nothingness and plain bolahan that - of course - gets cut off every 15 or, sometimes when you’re lucky, 30 minutes. Still, the fact that you have free cellphone minutes (well, almost complimentary save for the fact that you actually have to buy the 24/7 card) makes you feel as if you’ve duped your service provider. Hehe mean ass. Oh and yesterday, Kimmy taught me some trick to automatically acquire P150 free Sun Cellular load. Whoopee. I heart Kimby. And my Sun Cellular. Okay fine, and my Globe, too.
I wanna write more random stuff but I have to go pack now. I’m leaving for Pangasinan later this evening for my Aunty Jess’ funeral services tomorrow. Since Gary had already brought her ashes back last Thursday all the way from Fremont, I guess we could say my Aunt is literally and figuratively home now. May you rest in peace, my dear Aunty.
So that shall suffice for now.
I’m bizzy-bouncin. Will be back in less than 48 hours.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
2004 was, in all honesty, a pretty great year for me. I graduated, earned myself a degree in English, got hired a week after graduation -- to name some of my so-called achievements. But I'm also glad the year has come to an end as it was an emotional roller coaster ride for me. It had its highs, lows and scary loops. Phew. 2004 was just full of drama... which I endured gracefully. Thank you very much. Hah.
I cannot seem to believe how strong I had become last year. Aside from those times I watched the tv program, Wish Ko Lang, I actually only cried twice. One was over a marketing-career problem (argh) and the other was over food. Haha. Seriously though, even if I reached some low points last year, I'm proud to say that I was able to rise up in the last three months. Faith kept me afloat and California, once again, rocked my entire being. Now you know how I got my groove back.
You were a great year, 2-oh-oh-4. Goodbye. Nice to know you.
But of course, let's not completely erase the previous year from our systems. I believe it's important that we still continue to offer help and prayers to the victims of tragedies and calamities that transpired last year. Always remember that prayers can move mountains and God listens all the time. Trust me.
At any rate, I just wish that 2005 would be a better year for everyone.
As for myself, I only ask for two things this new year; peace of mind and peace of heart. Which I believe are two of the most essential things in life. Oh also, this year, I intend to be more private when it comes to matters of the heart as I've always been open about it in the past few years. I've finally learned that when you put something like that out in the open, you also give other people a chance to pry into your lives and therefore subject yourselves to merciless criticism. So from now on, I shall keep the person I'm seeing from everyone else. Well, atleast his identity. Haha. That's how we want it to be.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Sunday, December 26, 2004
[ I'm currently listening to: The Christmas Song by Stevie Wonder ]
The reason for the season
1. First and foremost, Jesus’ birthday – Son of God whom He willingly sent us, His people, to be the messenger of His love.
2. Also the merriest time of year. Surprisingly, everyone’s just nice and generous during this season.
I honestly believe that there’s really no one to blame for the absence of Christmas spirit this year. I suppose the atmosphere is just a bit gloomy because of all the heartbreaking events that have just taken place.
Even so, I’ll still try to celebrate the real reason for this season in my own little way… and also try to be cheery by listening to Christmas songs on my ipod.
Oh and many, many thanks to those who sent me gifts and greeted me! Ü
Isn’t it great how even those people who have offended, wronged and hurt you also greet you on this special day? Heehee.
Truly, Christmas is one miraculous day because it lets you know who truly values you as a person.
Once again, Merry, Merry Christmas to all of you! May you receive more blessings this season and in the coming year. Ü Cheers!